New Year's hat

I read an article the other day about a Florida woman who bit her husband after he changed the password on their computer.

According to the Palm Bay Daily, hubby did the deed, and his wife jumped onto his back and began biting his head.

Their adult son looked on, no doubt making a mental note to put his dirty dishes in the sink after he called police, as mom was clearly not in a mood for nonsense.

It is news articles like this one that make me wonder. Not, how could a woman do this? More like, how close am I exactly to leaping onto someone’s back and biting them in the head. Some days I feel I tread close to that line.

And what better time to examine such line treading? New Year’s is upon us, a time to look back and ahead at the same time. A time to set goals and, of course, make resolutions.

Resolutions, however, are not supposed to be for other people, which I am sure the Florida scalp biter would agree with me is most unfortunate, so I will write the following resolutions “for myself” ... and just hope other people can take a hint.

1. I will not wipe my nose on the bathroom hand towel and then rehang it.

2. I will not leave cheese sticks in the couch.

3. I will not reach into the kitchen junk drawer, churn up everything to the point the drawer no longer closes, then walk away as if not to notice.

4. I will be responsible for my own toenails.

5. I resolve to pick up whatever I drop onto the floor, no matter how much I don’t want to be bothered.

6. I will not leave one square of toilet paper just so I don’t have to replace the roll.

7. I will not end family game night by crying, running to my room and slamming the door.

8. I will not eat brown sugar from the bag.

9. If I do eat brown sugar from the bag, I will at least clean up what I spill on the counter. And floor.

10. I will not mix the shampoo, conditioner and body wash together in one bottle and then rub it on my body, and the shower doors.

11. I will not carve the bar of soap into animal shapes with a hair comb.

12. I will not artfully scoop my tossed salad from the main salad dish in such a way that I take all the croutons.

13. I will not do weird things with toothpaste.

14. I will not eat all the Pop Tarts.

15. And, finally, I resolve to not bite anyone in the back of the head, unless they really deserve it.

Martha Petteys writes a weekly column for The Post-Star. Write to her at petteyshome@gmail.com or visit her on Facebook.


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