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Based on recent events, I believe the ICE message welcoming future arrivals will sound like this:

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, you are now entering the USA. If you are arriving from a white, northern European country and have an annual income above $90,000, we love you. You are welcome. If you are arriving from a Spanish-speaking country, or are Hispanic, “Bad! Bad! Bad!” We don’t want you. Stay on the airplane! You will pay a “Wall Tax” and you will return to your country now. If you are from a Muslim majority country, how did you get here? Your bombs and chemical/biological weapons will be confiscated. You will return or be delivered to Guantanamo Bay. We will decide. If you are poor, the joke is on you. Did you believe that Statue of Liberty stuff? Honestly? You’re bad. If you are from Russia, you have a great leader.

In America, you will see armed guards. Do not be alarmed. This is to preserve our freedom to own guns and to protect all of us from crazies and bad guys. You will get used to it. For your own safety, we urge you to not place either hand into a pocket. In America, we are proud to have almost nine-tenths of a gun for every citizen. That is a lot of guns with missing pieces. If you put a hand into your pocket, policemen will think you plan to pull a gun. They will shoot you in self-defense; in self-defense many times. Please note: This is not a gun issue! For in our country, guns do not kill people.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to America: The Land of the Free. Enjoy your stay, but please come back. Our president has just be-gun making America Great Again.

Bob Mungas, Cambridge